In all honesty, I don’t really know why I am writing about this, now. It’s the day after my spontaneous blog making and I intended to write, if I was even going to write about anything at all, something funny and light and not serious at all.
And yet, here I am not doing that. But I’m going to go with it anyway.
I suffer from anxiety. Anxiety is something that makes you feel alone. I feel like everyone else gets on with things just fine, and I am carrying 5 angry snakes around with me in my stomach. This is something that is not true. Every time I tell people about my anxiety, they are kind and understanding and often they suffer from anxiety too. It’s kind of a shitty paradox. I get anxious about being anxious about being anxious about telling people.
Anxiety makes me do the stupidest things. For example, I am unable to ask people for help and just try work it out myself. Today, in the library I spent so long trying to work out how to print directly from my laptop I thought I was going to throw it out the window. Eventually I realised the reason I wasn’t asking the girl at the help desk was because I was anxious. She fixed it in about 30 seconds.
When people get my name wrong I am totally ok with them calling me by the wrong name. Usually it’s fine. Not so fine when it’s your neighbour and they then ask you why you haven’t corrected them about the fact they’ve been calling you ciara for 3 years. Eh, actually the thought of correcting you physically wouldn’t form in my brain, that’s how much I didn’t want to do it.
Anxiety has stopped me from doing loads of things. It has made going into school or college some days feel like climbing everest. Along with anxiety, I am also an extreme perfectionist, and this means I wouldn’t do things if I don’t know that I will be perfect at it. Everything I have achieved means nothing, because I have achieved it.
These things are making my life not as good as it could be. At the end of the day, there is some really really good things in it. I’ve only been sick on a public bus once (touch wood- it was particularly gruesome though), I have experienced chipotle, in-n-out and panda express, I have all my limbs, I go to college right beside a tiger, my boyfriend is great, I have made the sort of friends you probably only get once every thousand lifetimes and that is to name a few (very important) ones.
I guess what I’m trying to say is, if you have anxiety you are not alone. Everyone on this planet has been anxious it at some point, probably a lot of points (who likes walking home down an alley on a dark night) and it is nothing to be ashamed of, or hide. Talk to people- particularly if it’s affecting you at work or in college. It’s not a weakness. For me, getting on a bus by myself takes the same amount of willpower for others to sing in front of 50 people. This is getting really youth- groupy, motivational but just know that it’s ok and there is so much you can do to help/deal with it.
On a lighter note, for all you people who think tolteca is the chipotle of dublin- it does not compare. there is only one chipotle. the rest are cheap knockoffs. I am prepared to fight to the death for my beliefs concerning this