Judge a man not by his character, but his ability to wear heels

Walking down Nassau Street last night at around 9.30 I came across a group of girls who were obviously on their way out. A couple of the girls were barefoot, carrying their shoes. Now, I’m not going to pretend that has never been me, on a night out. As I was watching them I was wearing shoes that were trying to amputate my feet, or so it felt. Many times, after wearing heels on a night out I have taken them home and walked home barefoot because I have reached my pain threshold for the night.  

But if it’s before ten and you are going barefoot, and you’re sober… why did you wear heels out? This is something I cannot understand. I never really wear heels out, not because I don’t like them, but because I can’t. Dyspraxia, having very small feet for my height and drinking is like the perfect recipe for bruises that look like I’ve been hit with a hammer. Not wearing heels means I am able to scamper around time my hearts content and walk home afterwards. 

Being tall means that I don’t need heels for height, so I guess I am privileged in this way. I am roughly the same size as most of my friends, if not taller, when they are in heels and I am in flats. I can see how it might make you self conscious if you were smaller then your friends and wearing flats. Probably not as self conscious as when you will inevitably flop yourself on dublin’s uneven pavements( I have twisted my ankle, sober, in flats about 5 times due to potholes in the pavement) but maybe I’m just sensitive. Also, unless you have that incredible girl-power that my friends seem to have, don’t go anywhere near temple bar in heels because you will die, and if you have this power non of this article applies to you anyway. 

Not being able to walk in heels is one of the most unattractive things ever. The pain, or the change in gait or something forces you to adopt a pose much like turkey. No matter how good you may look, or how great your makeup is, you still look kind of like a turkey. And the wobbling makes you look like your ankles are separate entities and they have been drinking for 3 days and are trying to escape. 
The average irish male is about at eye level for me so when I’m wearing heels I can pat them on the head with ease. This is a huge perk of wearing heels but not, at the end of the day, worth the blisters/ walking like this

If you are a girl and you can walk in heels, you deserve a free pair. People (men) who don’t/haven’t worn heels do not understand the incredible feat that is taking place every time you walk somewhere. Also people (men, but especially women who have worn heels) should NEVER EVER hate on men who do. They are taking something that is difficult and making themselves great. If you diss a man (or anyone) wearing heels you deserve to get that heel impaled in your foot. After all, it’s more or less how it feels for them (or for me, because I am weak).

Every day I see women (and the guy who I pass on camden street) contorting their feet into an unnatural position and looking frickin’ amazing while doing it and I want to salute you all for your skill and bravery. But, if, like me, you do not posses such skill… leave the heels at home. 

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