I hate the new year. I feel like the fact that a whole year has so markedly gone by and I am aging and getting closer to death and I still haven’t achieved anything, not really, that I want to achieve and life is slipping away from me, not even slowly, but really really fast.
Being an extreme perfectionist, not the high achieving short, the sort that stays in bed because I will never achieve the dizzying heights that my own stupid brain requires me to so whats the point, is extra terrible at new years.
This blog has become something of a sanctuary for me for that. I don’t have crazy expectations. I don’t need thousands of people or even hundreds of people to read it. I have people who read it, and they are lovely, and that is enough.
On christmas Eve my mum and I were driving down to my granddads, and we were on a small country lane, and my mum was driving slowly because I was trying to find a good recorded version benjamin Brittens Ceremony of Carols, when I saw these car headlights in the middle of the road and we heard this scrape. A car, driving really really fast in the middle of the road, had almost hit us, but instead just scraped the side of the car. If we had been travelling any faster our car would have flipped, or they might have hit us head on.
After that, I decided that I was going to stop worrying about whether I am good enough at doing things, and just do them.
Its going ok, so far. But I have a project which I am very excited about and involves one of my passions so, hopefully that will rub off on it. And if it doesn’t, at least I tried it.
Hope everyone who is reading this has a happy new year, free from crippling and soul destroying expectations they place on themselves. Maybe I should get that printed on my christmas cards next year. Or written above my bed. Hmm