I am an extreme perfectionist. This is an incredibly detrimental thing in most aspects of my life. I have never been able to live up to the standard I set myself because they are so unrealistic. If I somehow do manage to achieve anything, I instantly dismiss it because I see it as not good enough, because somehow the fact I have achieved it has tainted it. It’s sad because I have never done anything that I am proud of in my entire life. It is also completely exhausting. Reading over this makes me want to delete it, immediately, because it should be funnier, more interesting, more original, better crafted…. Nothing I do is good enough, nothing I wear is good enough, there is no point in finishing my essay because it is rubbish, incoherent…
Obviously cognitively I know this is all in my head, that I’ve done loads of things worth being happy with, that pouring over tasks for hours is not going to make them better, that this isn’t normal. But there is a niggle that stays their. annoying me. I feel if I give up having impossible standards I will become substandard. I might be happy with things that aren’t good enough, that I will be average.
I say things to people like “I am actually really happy with that’ or “I’m really proud of how I did that…” But I never mean it. And it is the meaning, at the end of the day that is important. You can say things all you want, but you will still lie in bed for hours fighting the urge to get up and correct something. I sometimes don’t tidy my room for days because I am scared of looking around after hours of working to see nothing but disappointment. If I don’t start I can’t feel that. So I don’t.
It’s weird, because I am also afraid of letting go of perfectionism in case I suddenly become lazy (more lazy than I already am, in my eyes), messy (again same) or less perfect (again, which doesn’t even make any sense, since I think I am the furthest thing).
It also feeds into my crippling anxiety and combines with it together to ensure I never want to get out of bed. I really want to live a life that involves getting out of bed if not every morning, than most mornings, or at least every day, if it is only to shower, or open a window.
There has been stuff I have really really wanted to do over the last couple of years that I keep putting off and not even talking about (starting a youtube is one of them) (regularly blogging is another) and even stuff like replying to emails about opportunities or constructively following a path to achieve them. Lying in a room that isn’t beautiful enough, with clothes that aren’t fashionable enough and a personality that isn’t fun enough hasn’t got me anyway, and it certainly hasn’t made any of these things enough. Having impossible standards for everything you do doesn’t make you better, because if they aren’t achievable they aren’t doing anything for you.
Anything I have achieved has been tainted over the past couple of years and I haven’t achieved things I should have because of this as well. I know I am not the only person to feel like this because they have donated a huge section of wall space in Hodges Figis about over coming this. Maybe, this is the start of my wild successful career as a lifestyle blogger and suddenly everything will take off and I will sell a million copies of a self help book with my face on the front. Maybe, nobody will ever read it. If it means that I manage to do even one small thing and be proud it’ll be worth it.