I am lying on the floor in a certain section of the library, using a copy of the A.C Graylings  Philosophy 2 as a pillow. I am half listening to a headspace mindfulness guide, half scrolling through Instagram because I do what I want and I don’t let anyone tell me what to do particularly Andy Headspace. Someone comes around the corner, sees me and jumps, muttering ‘oh shit’ and scuttling away. I am the Trinity College Goblin Queen, and the library is my realm now.

Once a year, between April and May, I morph into my true form as an actual goblin something that usually only emerges at a session. I am the one who has a coveted seat in Usher 4, because I am the one who sets an alarm at 7 to be able to do so. I am the one who glares at you if you DARE eat anything loud or smelly in my realm, because seriously, thats disgusting and I don’t need the sound of you eating a banana, or dried  chickpeas, or the smell of your tuna salad (all things that have actually happened) increasing the rage I am already feeling.

I am a goblin queen and with every loud, flirtatious laugh you give, or stage whisper I am one step closer to actually cracking and unleashing my goblin wrath upon you. You are a mortal, and Trinity term has taken me from your ranks and made me into a sovereign of the goblin species. I do not have mercy, I only know rage. And sometimes fear, but thats when I am crying in certain bathroom that is rarely frequented by the living.

It’s the exam season. That time of year when I actually morph into a Gollum like creature who’s eyes hurt in daylight because I rarely ever leave the library. If you know the section of the library I like to go to nap, because my regard for social cues and acceptable places to lie on the floor falls to zero, then you know me as a soul.

There is a particular bathroom where I go to cry when I am stressed. I will never, ever, reveal where this to anyone that isn’t in my inner circle because then it might becomes a frequented area and then its purpose as the perfect place to have a mid day cry would be ruined. Who wants to weep when there is a queue of people waiting to weep outside the door?

I don’t hate exam season. There is no way on earth I could keep up the level of work I do in the months of April and May all year round, because I would actually die. After twenty one years on this planet, I have full embraced the fact I am a crammer. I refuse to be study-shamed about my methods. There is also no way I would be still doing my degree if I just kind of kept up with everything all year round because when it comes to study, and really anything, I am an all or nothing person. I do work all year round, of course, but i intently study for over a month when it comes to exams and although it is kind of awful and I put myself under immense pressure, I enjoy it.

Exams finish, and I become human once again. I see daylight, I even interact with others. I stop crying in abandoned bathrooms, and I stop wanting to bring an iron fist down upon those who dare to eat anything crunchy in my vicinity. The real me lies in wait for the exams next year. I am mortal again.


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